Engorgio
by tailysnaily
Summary: Sirius doesn't like spiders because he's a rational human being. James is an opportunist. Remus and Peter get caught in the chaos. / inspired by bellsamy's *loud, horrified sirius black shrieking* tumblr post / just warning you that Sirius has a potty mouth.


**So this is inspired by a tumblr post by bellsamy that always makes me laugh. It's so beyond ridiculous, and is, as usual, just me indulging myself. I don't even think Sirius would be particularly scared of spiders LMAO**

Sirius Black is a very brave boy. In fact, Sirius Black is an _extremely_ brave _man_ who is very manly and also never afraid of anything. Snakes? Please, they have no limbs, Sirius could never be afraid of a long, angry sock. Voldemort? Don't insult him; the bloke's name is in _French_! No one with a French name is intimidating, that's a proven fact, and Sirius knows because he speaks French. The pair of Peter's holey socks? Now, Sirius is _almost_ afraid of those, because he's a human being and Pete's toes are abnormal looking, but Sirius can even withstand those easily enough. Because Sirius is very manly and brave.

But… but. There is one thing that Sirius is – not afraid! No, no, not afraid of, but he is… wary of one, small thing. Spiders. _They're very logical things to be afraid-wary of_ , Sirius rationalizes to himself, _they have EIGHT LEGS_. Sirius is sure nothing good can come of something with eight legs; not only is it unnatural, it's overkill! No one needs that many legs.Greedy buggers should have saved some limbs for the snakes.

Most of the time, Sirius doesn't have to worry about spiders. The giant ones that Hagrid keeps in the Forest stay in their own territory, and so aren't a problem, except to Sirius' general peace of mind (Sirius didn't speak to Hagrid for half a year when he found about them – _honestly_ , Hagrid, _Acromantula!?_ ). Sure, there are plenty in the castle, but they're itty-bitty things, nothing he can't shoot a quick repellant spell at. So really, Sirius Black hardly ever has to face his only fear – _except for when they show up in his bed._

Which, besides being the most terrifying thing Sirius has experienced since his cousin Bellatrix accidentally smiled at him in his second year, is also incredibly rude! Sirius never slides into anyone's bed uninvited – mostly because he is always welcome bed-company – except for when James' toes get cold in the middle of the night. Tosser refuses to wear socks to bed, so his cold feet are his own fault, but Sirius can't let his best mate's toes freeze off! So when James starts to make those _frostbite is near, my toes won't last much longer_ noises in his sleep, Sirius has no choice but slide into his bed and let Prongs stick his feet under Sirius' calves. But anyway, Sirius doesn't show up in any beds without invitations, so why does this spider think it has the right to?

Sirius can very clearly see it on his other pillow, just standing there, two feet away, plotting. He is paralyzed, of course, as any sane person would be if they spotted an intruder with _eight legs_ in their bed. Hoping that speaking won't spur the spider into its attack, Sirius calmly calls to Remus, knowing that he is still awake, "Remus, will you kill this spider for me?"

There is a sigh from Remus' bed that Sirius deeply resents, okay? He didn't ask for this. When Remus answers him, it is the all too familiar, patented Remus Lupin patiently-amused-and-exasperated tone that asks, "Is it trying to hurt you, Sirius?"

 _Well,_ Sirius thinks crossly, _that's a stupid question. Obviously, it is planning to hurt me._ But soon the panic overtakes the anger in Sirius' mind, and when he speaks again his voice is still forcibly calm. "It's on my bed and hurting my heart," Sirius replies, hoping that this genuine patheticness will convince his dear friend Moony to save him. Sirius would not ask if he did not truly need this spider gone, if he did not require it with every last breath in his body. He would not – no, could not move until the spider was gone. He and it would remain locked in this terrifying game of chicken until Sirius withered away and died, and that would just be a shame; he has an unopened bottle of Ogden's in his trunk. Remus must know this all too, because he heaves a great sigh and begins getting out of bed, to Sirius' relief. _Moony is coming for you, fucker,_ Sirius thinks intently at the spider, _better watch out because his bite is definitely worse than yours._ His joyous relief, however, is unfortunately cut short.

You remember how Sirius would let his legs be James' personal foot-furnaces because he's a great bloody friend? Okay, yeah, well Sirius is never doing that again; in fact, Sirius will probably never speak to James ever again. Because while Sirius was panicking and staring at his intruder, he didn't notice James wake up. And because he didn't notice James wake up, he also didn't notice James put on his glasses. And because he didn't notice James putting on his glasses, he also didn't see James silently grab his wand and take aim. Sirius' brain ignored all of this, and so he was not prepared.

"Engorgio," James casts quietly. Quietly. Quiet, like Remus' patiently-amused-and-exasperated sighs. Quiet, like Peter's soft and rhythmic snores. Quiet, _unlike_ the loud, horrified shrieking that comes from Sirius Black's mouth as the spider on his pillow grows to ten times its own size.

"YEEEEEEUUUHH!" he screams, frantically pushing himself backward, "UUNEUGHYEUUUHHH- _NUGH_ -EEEEEEHHHHHHH!" as he falls off his bed.

Sirius scrambles away from his bed on his hands and knees at top speed, bypassing the laughing traitor and launching himself into Wormtail's bed, screaming as he goes. Peter has woken violently by now, and for a wild moment thinks that Sirius was transfigured into a massive spider, but then spots the shaking, screeching lump at the foot of his bed. Briefly overwhelmed, Peter is unsure whether to be terrified or amused, and so settles on vaguely comforting Sirius. Soon enough, a frantic Remus has shrunken the spider down and placed it in the hallway, before stumbling back in while heaving frantic breaths.

"I'm – gonna – kill – you," Remus pants wearily, before launching himself at James. This is what finally clears away the last of Pete's sleepiness, and he immediately gives in to the hilarity. Remus has thrown himself on top of James, who had been laughing so exuberantly that he now clutches his stomach in pain, tears streaming down his face as breathless puffs of mirth escape him. James can't even muster the control to defend himself against Moony, who is determinedly trying to suffocate James with a pillow.

Confused though he is, Peter can barely control himself anymore. With a _thud_ , he falls off his bed, thumping his mattress and crying out, "Padfoot! Bahaha, Padfoot, shut up! Stop, ahahaha, stop screaming you idiot!"

A few moments pass, during which Remus stops trying to murder James, and instead collapses on top of him, laughing along with his two friends. Sirius finally pokes his red face out from under Peter's blankets, and then gets up – wand out – to inspect the room. Once satisfied the spider is truly gone and not hiding under his pillow, Sirius lets out the most relieved sigh anyone has ever heard, ever; no, really, it's recorded in _Hogwarts: a History_ under the "Averted Crises" chapter. Sinking down, boneless, onto his bed, Sirius tiredly glances around at his friends, smiling and waving his hand in a _no worries, we're all alive, everyone can breathe now_ sort of way, although it is partially untrue – his three dormmates still couldn't breathe from excessive laughter.

Sirius finally takes note of this, and as he turns to them his eyes focus completely on James, his best mate and the biggest pile of dung in the world. The relief on Sirius' face gradually melts away and is immediately replaced with indescribable anger. But Sirius Black is not brilliant for nothing, and he takes a few moments to think of something ingenious and clever and evil and groundbreaking before the Lumos goes off. Calmly and casually, Sirius walks past his friends – who are soundly ignoring him – and starts rifling through his trunk.

"Ah, here we go," he mutters, tucking the bottle of Ogden's under his arm. This has gotten James' attention, and he yells, "No, come on Sirius, don't! We're supposed to be saving that, don't drink the whole thing," before collapsing in laughter again. Sirius doesn't appear to have heard him at all and keeps his cool exterior, except for his twitching left eyelid.

Remus, however, looks on with dawning unease, asking, "What are you doing over there, Padfoot?"

"Well," Sirius cheerfully replies, "I began thinking of ingenious and clever and evil and groundbreaking ways to get back at Prongs," he explains, now making his way over to James' things. James sits up, grinning, and teases, "Yeah, mate? Come up with something, have you?"

But Sirius shakes his head, "Nope," he pops, "I told ingenious and clever and evil and groundbreaking to go hang." Grabbing James' beloved Nimbus 1500, he places it on the floor in front of James' trunk. Prongs, who is no longer grinning, frantically asks, "What in Merlin's name are you doing with my broom, Sirius?"

Sirius smiles up at him while opening up the bottle of Ogden's, staring into his eyes like the bloody fucking spider stared into his. While pouring the firewhiskey onto the shaft and bristles of the broomstick, Sirius wonders for a moment if this is what madness is, before deciding he doesn't care.

"Burning it."

James is a squawking, scrambling mess, trying desperately to get on his feet and find his wand and somersault to Sirius all at once.

And in a quiet voice, Sirius points his wand at his friend's soaked Nimbus and casts, "Incendio."


End file.
